Grief is

*selfish. I Read FB updates and just don't see how they matter. And I know they matter, to them, and I know they will matter to me. But right now, some of them just seem pointless. And unfair.

*tiring. I am bone weary. Still functioning, because life trudges onward. And sleeping, and eating, and all those things, but in and amongst it all, bone weary.

*frustrating. Because I know that the only cure is time.

*repetitive. Saying "thank you" over and over. And "yes it is hard" and all the phrases we so carefully construct so we don't burst into tears in odd places.

*. It just is.

But there is joy amongst the grief, and happiness and laughter in life as well. Like youngest boy joining Boy Scouts. Like puppies who try to climb in your lap. And they weigh about 59 pounds each. Friends who call and shore you up to get through the day. Far away friends who send you emails that make you sob, but in a good way, because they offer such deep comfort.  Things to do, a family to care for, a God who is in all of this with me.

A quote

This quote has been floating around my head today:

"With my mother's death all settled happiness . . . disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis."  CS Lewis

My mother

My mother passed away today.
It doesn't suck any less to lose the second parent.
The waves of grief consist of wanting to puke, not being able to breathe, tears, laughter, rinse, repeat.
She lived a good life, full of love and laughter.

This and that

1. There is something blooming outside that is stinky in a cloying, overwhelming sort of way
2. I've been to Atlanta this week, with a mess of 5th graders, and I didn't get to see one of my dearest friends. THAT is a bummer. 
3. I do not enjoy kids who have an attitude of learned helplessness. I just don't.
4. I am tired from that trip, but it was good overall. 
5. Still trying to make a final decision regarding a part time job at church. We find out tomorrow if DH's job is going to stay at one level or be reduced. That may be a factor.
6. I've felt for awhile like I am a tumbleweed, just rolling around in life, trying to stay caught up with the immediate but not paying enough attention to the details. It's been a busy year. 
7. A year ago we were in France. I think. 
8. Axe has improved. But it still is very....um, STRONG. 
9. Youngest goes to the dentist tomorrow....yikes! 

Momentum

It is a beautiful day here, so I'm taking advantage and throwing open the windows and cleaning.
So far I have vacuumed up an entire dog worth of dog hair.
Trying not to lose momentum. As long as I don't sit down, I think i'm fine. This is not a "make it through the week" cleaning, this is clean out and clean up. I even vacuumed the couch :)
And cleaned out a junk drawer. Amazing, no?


And edited to add that my husband does not think much of listening to opera while cleaning. So he's shut the door to the den and promptly fell asleep. I think he's lost his momentum.

Expressions

I heard a great expression today - "Jealous for you". It was in reference to a friend of mine who is one of the pastors at my church. Today she found out she got a good appointment - in the UMC the ministers are appointed to churches, which is sometimes a good thing, sometimes a God thing, and sometimes a bad thing. THis one is a good + God thing, we think. Although all she could say was 'Big church, happy about it, have to sell my house to move there". We'll know more in May.
Anyway one of her other pastor friends warned her that some of the women in the district are going to be jealous. My VBS co director said "We'll assume they aren't going to be jealous of you, but jealous for you - they're happy for your good assignment and realize what a good thing it is".
I liked that phrase. ALthough I'm fairly certain the former will be in existence as well.

I use phrases all the time. I had a friend once who said she was going to write them all down in a book. Of course, as I'm writing this, I can't think of a single one. Oh Good Gravy! (wait, there's one!)

Do you have a favorite expression? If I think of more, I'll add mine.