Work still busy. Update at 11.

That about sums it up. Work is busy, busy, busy.
I'm replanting some flowers the charming goats dogs ate. Who knew dogs liked rosemary. And lavender.
I'm awfully glad it is Friday.
I want a day where I don't have to go anywhere or do anything but focus on the things I need to get done. No outside emergencies, no outside tasks. Just my stuff. Pretty selfish, except that most of my "stuff" involves doing things for other people.

A Busy Week

This week the office where I work went over to electronic medical records. Well, we kinda did. It was the week we had the trainers here all week. Long days, lots of brain power required. I was exhausted.

This weekend, two of the three kids are on camping trips/retreats. So we took middle kid last night and went to the local fun park - went goKarting (Not my thing, but I tried it once. I'm sure I provided ample amusement for the workers - white knuckle driving the whole time. Actually, I hated every second of it and it took all my grown-up pride not to stop the cart, get out and say "I"m done!") and played putt putt golf (And I got THREE hole-in-ones) and then the DH and the boy rode the Karts again. Finished off with a trip to Sonic for slushies. Boy said 'That was a great night!" We don't get to hear that too often, so I was over.the.moon. PLUS he agreed to go with me today to a farmers market.

I have heavy things on my heart, but just ask that if you pray, pray for families that need physical healing, for ones that need emotional healing, and for all of us to grow more loving in our responses.

Matthew 5:44-45

New International Version (NIV)

⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.




But oh, how I wish I could make the rain go away for a dear friend and her family. 


But I also know that NOTHING can take the Love of God away from us. We may fail, but God never does. 

House for sale

My mother's house has a sign out in front. The kind of sign that says "For Sale".
I can't seem to catch my breath when I think about it. I can't seem to swallow, I can't seem to keep the tears from falling.
I want to scream.



*Note to say, that intellectually, I know it is just a house. I know it has to be done. My siblings have worked so hard at getting it ready and i'm grateful to them.*

The text this morning at church will be Matthew 5:38-48. If someone strikes you, turn the other cheek...if they say go one mile, go the other as well.
Praying for peace, peace in the world but also peace in our hearts. For without one, can there ever be the other?

Still here

Life just got really, really busy.
Let's see, school has started, no major mishaps yet, but of course homework forgotten, quizzes bombed because they didn't study, and so on.
Work is slam busy, but it's good. I'm working three basically full time days a week.
We transition over to electronic medical records in October, which will either be terrific, or hell, or both.
I'm betting on both.
Dogs are HUGE and vary between sweet and a pain in the butt. Currently they are barking at some unknown threat (my vote is on a squirrel) in the yard. I lied. Jack just came in to see what I was doing, and if I had any food I'd care to share. Tough luck pup, not sharing my lunch. Edited to add that I'm tired of people in my neighborhood not keeping their dogs in their yards. Two collies and one Husky ( Maybe a cross but had super icy blue eyes) while i"m trying to walk two boxer/hound mixes who are still really puppies was NOT fun. Grr.
I'm taking another class in the online Christian ed series I've been doing. And as I have turned in the first assignment three days late, I"m wondering if perhaps I'm not supposed to be doing this. But the program is no longer going to be hosted by the peeps hosting it now, and if I don't take it now I don't know WHEN I'll be able to do it online again. But my question is "Am I supposed to be taking it at all?"
I am wondering if a call can be revoked. Or if it is just in hibernation until other stuff (like grief) gets worked out?
The grief, it is still there. It comes in waves and it goes in waves. It is for my mother, but also for my father who has been gone 20 years. Apparently I thought I grieved it all the way through with him. But I didn't - and so now I have a double whammy.
Our church hired a new Director of Christian Ed. He's from a non Methodist background, but willing to learn and to grow. He seems very nice, willing to listen to my crazy ideas, and has taken a large portion of tweens off of my plate. Early days yet.
So, hope all of you are well and happy. I'm still in awe of a little boy I know (OKAY, he's not little any more) growing up and getting married. Sheesh. Wasn't I just giving him fake bugs as a gift???

One of my favorite blogs that I read, http://handmadehomeschool.wordpress.com/  talks often about living purposefully and thoughtfully. She often sets goals for herself, but doesn't seem to beat herself up if she doesn't reach them. 
Purposeful living is something that I am occasionally good at, but mostly I feel like I am running a day late and a dollar short. Especially lately. 
I think I want to try to set some goals, nothing huge but still some things to keep my mind and soul focused on life, not just day to day tasks. 

I am still mulling over this, but I do know I want to:

1. Be more consistent about devotional and prayer time. Pray a lot, but I am wondering if my ADD prayers might not be the most effective way for ME to pray. Maybe they are. 

2. Devote some time every day to Bible Study- Reading- learning about things that aren't usually in my line of sight. Also this ties into work learning - I have a need to learn some specific things, and I need to set time to do that.

3. Learn how to knit socks. I have wanted to do this for over a year. My goal might be to knit a pair of socks before New Years. Or at least start a pair. That's probably more realistic.

4. Plan out menus and shopping so that my time is not wasted frantically thinking of what has to be done

5. Restart Flylady - not full blown, just her basic principals. Really helped me years ago, and I think I need to just jump in and do it again.

6. Plan things with the kids, and DH to make some structured family time or at least some more memories to add to the mix! 

I have so much wasted space in my day. Not down time, not quiet time, just wasted space. I want to take that down time and make it into something that is enriching, not just time wasting! 

What are your goals? What do you want to do?

Replying

One thing that we really work on with my middle kid is acknowledgement that someone has spoken to you. Oh, heck, we work on that with all 3 of them. And occasionally DH. But telling someone that they have been heard is a powerful thing, regardless of the subject. A household chore, a life crisis, a sad event, a happy event, we all want to hear that we have something to say and that it *has been heard*.
On a less grand level, it drives me crazy to say something to the above mentioned child and get no response. We're starting to institute the 15 pushups rule. Don't acknowledge me? 15 pushups.
Worked for them remembering to turn off lights!!! And for occasional lapses in manners.
If I could do it with the dogs, I surely would. They ran off yesterday (tripped, dropped leashes, dogs went AWOL) and 15 minutes later I finally caught up with them again. Ok, so it wasn't 15, but it was a good 10 and many trips into the creek later. I sometimes wish we had bought land like we originally intended to, so they could just run to their heart's content. Oh well.
On a totally unrelated note, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the wedding present I bought. I am SO excited about it - handmade pottery that is dishwasher safe. Plus I'll get them something else, like a gift card. And I'm sticking in some homemade knitted dishcloths. It's the first kid of my friends to get married. I remember when he was born. Shoot, I remember when his older brother was born!!!!

All I keep thinking this evening was that there were still so many things I wanted to say. And ask.

I don't have any guilt or true regrets. We did the best we could to come and see her, and to be in contact with her. I called until calling was impractical. I emailed. I did all I could. She knew we loved her and I knew she loved us. and so it's not guilt. It's just loneliness.

Towels

How exactly, does one lose not one, but two very large beach towels?
I don't know but apparently we have managed this in my house. And I have discovered it right before a short little jaunt to the beach.
Luckily, I have some older ones to fill in the gap.....


Packing for a short trip to the beach is SO MUCH easier now that everyone can pack for themselves. I supply list, they do packing. With supervision, otherwise things get a little interesting.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.”

--Isak Dinesen

"One learns first of all in beach living the art of shedding; how little one can get along with, not how much."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

What needs curing for you? And what do you want to shed? 

Summer

It doesn't really feel like summer. Except of course for the heat and always present humidity.
Work is busy, but fine.
Family is here, there and everywhere. Youngest is attempting boy scout camp, oldest is going to California, and middle one was supposed to be doing a week with dad at "boot camp" (not really doing the boot camp part, just the enjoying the outdoors part) but isn't feeling well. Nerves, I think.
I've been playing around with the family tree info on ancestry. Fun, and a big time sucking hole.
This was going to be a witty post, full of good stuff, but i'm too tired. Early bedtime for me tonight, that is for sure!

Even the dogs are being lazy

Okay, so I'm not really being lazy. I'm just not getting things done. VBS is almost here. That means it is almost over, which is even better.
Work is hopping busy, although this week is the week the doc is out of town so not much going on. Although I have to go in tomorrow for a bit and I went in on Tuesday.
Oldest kiddo gets to have dental surgery in mid july. The ortho consult is in a week, so we'll probably have a consult with the oral surgeon in there somewhere too.
Sigh.
Baseball is almost over, I think middle kid has done okay with it.
Swim team is quickly losing its appeal for little guy - the 2 times a day practice is NOT his favorite thing.
Although he liked his first meet.
Me, I'm trying to keep busy. Not trying to deny the grief, or the loss, or the emptiness, but realizing that life continues despite how I feel. I am not nearly as efficient as I once was. That's okay though.
I did just spend some money on I tunes. Bought some good summer music - Beach Boys, B 52's, Brown Eyed Girl, and so on...
About to read two books that came today from Amazon. Trying not to melt in the heat. Trying to find time to go to the pool!!!! Maybe I'll do that tomorrow!

I'd like

I'd like to write a happy post, but I can't.
I'm still in the middle of the river of grief. I do okay most of the time, but the tears come and will not be stopped until they are done.
I have several volunteer responsibilities  I would like to get rid of. I just don't have the emotional energy for them. I just don't see how to ditch them, however.
And the person who I thought would perhaps jump in and be that buffer has not done so. I've worked really hard for someone since the fall. And now it seems I'm expected to just "soldier on". I'm fighting against resentment and anger and hurt.
My family, my friends, and my workplace have all been amazing. My church? I hate to say it, but not so much. Words are fine. And I'm grateful for prayer. But I would have really just loved someone to call. And then I feel like i'm being selfish or too demanding. I don't need meals. I just needed a call.
But, I did get calls from dear friends of long ago. That made all the difference in the world.
Okay, edited to add that two women from church have called/visited. One was of the "it's okay to drop everything" school of support - but with the realistic acknowledgement that I probably wouldn't, but that it was okay if I did. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but it was a wonderful phone call. The second was from one of the sweetest women I've met there, and she brought chocolate bread over last night. So the support is there. Maybe I just couldn't see it. Now the leadership support? Still hearing those crickets chirping...

Grief is

*selfish. I Read FB updates and just don't see how they matter. And I know they matter, to them, and I know they will matter to me. But right now, some of them just seem pointless. And unfair.

*tiring. I am bone weary. Still functioning, because life trudges onward. And sleeping, and eating, and all those things, but in and amongst it all, bone weary.

*frustrating. Because I know that the only cure is time.

*repetitive. Saying "thank you" over and over. And "yes it is hard" and all the phrases we so carefully construct so we don't burst into tears in odd places.

*. It just is.

But there is joy amongst the grief, and happiness and laughter in life as well. Like youngest boy joining Boy Scouts. Like puppies who try to climb in your lap. And they weigh about 59 pounds each. Friends who call and shore you up to get through the day. Far away friends who send you emails that make you sob, but in a good way, because they offer such deep comfort.  Things to do, a family to care for, a God who is in all of this with me.

A quote

This quote has been floating around my head today:

"With my mother's death all settled happiness . . . disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis."  CS Lewis

My mother

My mother passed away today.
It doesn't suck any less to lose the second parent.
The waves of grief consist of wanting to puke, not being able to breathe, tears, laughter, rinse, repeat.
She lived a good life, full of love and laughter.

This and that

1. There is something blooming outside that is stinky in a cloying, overwhelming sort of way
2. I've been to Atlanta this week, with a mess of 5th graders, and I didn't get to see one of my dearest friends. THAT is a bummer. 
3. I do not enjoy kids who have an attitude of learned helplessness. I just don't.
4. I am tired from that trip, but it was good overall. 
5. Still trying to make a final decision regarding a part time job at church. We find out tomorrow if DH's job is going to stay at one level or be reduced. That may be a factor.
6. I've felt for awhile like I am a tumbleweed, just rolling around in life, trying to stay caught up with the immediate but not paying enough attention to the details. It's been a busy year. 
7. A year ago we were in France. I think. 
8. Axe has improved. But it still is very....um, STRONG. 
9. Youngest goes to the dentist tomorrow....yikes! 

Momentum

It is a beautiful day here, so I'm taking advantage and throwing open the windows and cleaning.
So far I have vacuumed up an entire dog worth of dog hair.
Trying not to lose momentum. As long as I don't sit down, I think i'm fine. This is not a "make it through the week" cleaning, this is clean out and clean up. I even vacuumed the couch :)
And cleaned out a junk drawer. Amazing, no?


And edited to add that my husband does not think much of listening to opera while cleaning. So he's shut the door to the den and promptly fell asleep. I think he's lost his momentum.

Expressions

I heard a great expression today - "Jealous for you". It was in reference to a friend of mine who is one of the pastors at my church. Today she found out she got a good appointment - in the UMC the ministers are appointed to churches, which is sometimes a good thing, sometimes a God thing, and sometimes a bad thing. THis one is a good + God thing, we think. Although all she could say was 'Big church, happy about it, have to sell my house to move there". We'll know more in May.
Anyway one of her other pastor friends warned her that some of the women in the district are going to be jealous. My VBS co director said "We'll assume they aren't going to be jealous of you, but jealous for you - they're happy for your good assignment and realize what a good thing it is".
I liked that phrase. ALthough I'm fairly certain the former will be in existence as well.

I use phrases all the time. I had a friend once who said she was going to write them all down in a book. Of course, as I'm writing this, I can't think of a single one. Oh Good Gravy! (wait, there's one!)

Do you have a favorite expression? If I think of more, I'll add mine.

Decisions are tricky

I have a few decisions to make soon.
Some involve deciding to do or not do something
The other involves choosing between two choices.
First up? Should I apply for a part time job at my church, in addition to the part time job I currently have and enjoy?
Second? Invited to participate in a leadership summit for the UMC worldwide - one
day thing- everyone meeting at the same time across the world to talk aobut, pray and discuss the church.
Same day as field trip for oldest to see a play that he wondered if I wanted to chaperone.

So I have to decide. Meanwhile, I've decided I really like the weight watchers chocolate covered raspberry bars. That was easy. :)