Monday, May 02, 2011

I'd like

I'd like to write a happy post, but I can't.
I'm still in the middle of the river of grief. I do okay most of the time, but the tears come and will not be stopped until they are done.
I have several volunteer responsibilities  I would like to get rid of. I just don't have the emotional energy for them. I just don't see how to ditch them, however.
And the person who I thought would perhaps jump in and be that buffer has not done so. I've worked really hard for someone since the fall. And now it seems I'm expected to just "soldier on". I'm fighting against resentment and anger and hurt.
My family, my friends, and my workplace have all been amazing. My church? I hate to say it, but not so much. Words are fine. And I'm grateful for prayer. But I would have really just loved someone to call. And then I feel like i'm being selfish or too demanding. I don't need meals. I just needed a call.
But, I did get calls from dear friends of long ago. That made all the difference in the world.
Okay, edited to add that two women from church have called/visited. One was of the "it's okay to drop everything" school of support - but with the realistic acknowledgement that I probably wouldn't, but that it was okay if I did. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but it was a wonderful phone call. The second was from one of the sweetest women I've met there, and she brought chocolate bread over last night. So the support is there. Maybe I just couldn't see it. Now the leadership support? Still hearing those crickets chirping...