Monday, May 02, 2011

I'd like

I'd like to write a happy post, but I can't.
I'm still in the middle of the river of grief. I do okay most of the time, but the tears come and will not be stopped until they are done.
I have several volunteer responsibilities  I would like to get rid of. I just don't have the emotional energy for them. I just don't see how to ditch them, however.
And the person who I thought would perhaps jump in and be that buffer has not done so. I've worked really hard for someone since the fall. And now it seems I'm expected to just "soldier on". I'm fighting against resentment and anger and hurt.
My family, my friends, and my workplace have all been amazing. My church? I hate to say it, but not so much. Words are fine. And I'm grateful for prayer. But I would have really just loved someone to call. And then I feel like i'm being selfish or too demanding. I don't need meals. I just needed a call.
But, I did get calls from dear friends of long ago. That made all the difference in the world.
Okay, edited to add that two women from church have called/visited. One was of the "it's okay to drop everything" school of support - but with the realistic acknowledgement that I probably wouldn't, but that it was okay if I did. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but it was a wonderful phone call. The second was from one of the sweetest women I've met there, and she brought chocolate bread over last night. So the support is there. Maybe I just couldn't see it. Now the leadership support? Still hearing those crickets chirping...

5 comments:

kcinnova said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your church isn't reaching out to you like you need them to do.
That person whom you thought would be a buffer... sometimes people need to have things spelled out. Would you possibly be able to speak up and voice your need directly? (I know, it takes emotional energy)

I wish I could make it better for you.

Suburban Correspondent said...

During one of our recent crises, I simply dumped the volunteer stuff. "Sorry," I told whoever was in charge. "No can do." You should do the same. Sometimes people just don't realize that you are floundering.

I really missed your mom these past 2 days; I wish she could have held on long enough for the news from this weekend. I remember it was her house I ran to on 9/11 and asked to see the TV (we didn't have cable, and I didn't want to turn on the radio where the kids could hear it). We stood outside the next few days in that gorgeous autumn weather and marveled at how eerily quiet it was in our neighborhood with all the planes grounded. And she let me and the kids come over and watch the Inauguration at her house in 2008. There was a party in our neighborhood, but the hostess didn't really want the kids running around her house. Your mom didn't mind. I missed not being able to watch Obama's speech Sunday night with her.

Navhelowife said...

SC,
She would have enjoyed watching and discussing the speech. And she enjoyed having kids around. Especially yours :)
I flounder, I find solid ground, I flounder again.

hornblower said...

Is there someone we can call for you to give them a prod? Send me a ph # & I'll do it.

And yeah, let go of things. It's ok to say NO. You don't need to prove anything or soldier on. Just focus on finding the moments of joy with your family, the dogs, spring.....

Janet said...

I'm over from Mrs G's and so sorry to hear about your Mom. Gentle hugs to you...