All I keep thinking this evening was that there were still so many things I wanted to say. And ask.

I don't have any guilt or true regrets. We did the best we could to come and see her, and to be in contact with her. I called until calling was impractical. I emailed. I did all I could. She knew we loved her and I knew she loved us. and so it's not guilt. It's just loneliness.

Towels

How exactly, does one lose not one, but two very large beach towels?
I don't know but apparently we have managed this in my house. And I have discovered it right before a short little jaunt to the beach.
Luckily, I have some older ones to fill in the gap.....


Packing for a short trip to the beach is SO MUCH easier now that everyone can pack for themselves. I supply list, they do packing. With supervision, otherwise things get a little interesting.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.”

--Isak Dinesen

"One learns first of all in beach living the art of shedding; how little one can get along with, not how much."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

What needs curing for you? And what do you want to shed? 

Summer

It doesn't really feel like summer. Except of course for the heat and always present humidity.
Work is busy, but fine.
Family is here, there and everywhere. Youngest is attempting boy scout camp, oldest is going to California, and middle one was supposed to be doing a week with dad at "boot camp" (not really doing the boot camp part, just the enjoying the outdoors part) but isn't feeling well. Nerves, I think.
I've been playing around with the family tree info on ancestry. Fun, and a big time sucking hole.
This was going to be a witty post, full of good stuff, but i'm too tired. Early bedtime for me tonight, that is for sure!

Even the dogs are being lazy

Okay, so I'm not really being lazy. I'm just not getting things done. VBS is almost here. That means it is almost over, which is even better.
Work is hopping busy, although this week is the week the doc is out of town so not much going on. Although I have to go in tomorrow for a bit and I went in on Tuesday.
Oldest kiddo gets to have dental surgery in mid july. The ortho consult is in a week, so we'll probably have a consult with the oral surgeon in there somewhere too.
Sigh.
Baseball is almost over, I think middle kid has done okay with it.
Swim team is quickly losing its appeal for little guy - the 2 times a day practice is NOT his favorite thing.
Although he liked his first meet.
Me, I'm trying to keep busy. Not trying to deny the grief, or the loss, or the emptiness, but realizing that life continues despite how I feel. I am not nearly as efficient as I once was. That's okay though.
I did just spend some money on I tunes. Bought some good summer music - Beach Boys, B 52's, Brown Eyed Girl, and so on...
About to read two books that came today from Amazon. Trying not to melt in the heat. Trying to find time to go to the pool!!!! Maybe I'll do that tomorrow!

I'd like

I'd like to write a happy post, but I can't.
I'm still in the middle of the river of grief. I do okay most of the time, but the tears come and will not be stopped until they are done.
I have several volunteer responsibilities  I would like to get rid of. I just don't have the emotional energy for them. I just don't see how to ditch them, however.
And the person who I thought would perhaps jump in and be that buffer has not done so. I've worked really hard for someone since the fall. And now it seems I'm expected to just "soldier on". I'm fighting against resentment and anger and hurt.
My family, my friends, and my workplace have all been amazing. My church? I hate to say it, but not so much. Words are fine. And I'm grateful for prayer. But I would have really just loved someone to call. And then I feel like i'm being selfish or too demanding. I don't need meals. I just needed a call.
But, I did get calls from dear friends of long ago. That made all the difference in the world.
Okay, edited to add that two women from church have called/visited. One was of the "it's okay to drop everything" school of support - but with the realistic acknowledgement that I probably wouldn't, but that it was okay if I did. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but it was a wonderful phone call. The second was from one of the sweetest women I've met there, and she brought chocolate bread over last night. So the support is there. Maybe I just couldn't see it. Now the leadership support? Still hearing those crickets chirping...

Grief is

*selfish. I Read FB updates and just don't see how they matter. And I know they matter, to them, and I know they will matter to me. But right now, some of them just seem pointless. And unfair.

*tiring. I am bone weary. Still functioning, because life trudges onward. And sleeping, and eating, and all those things, but in and amongst it all, bone weary.

*frustrating. Because I know that the only cure is time.

*repetitive. Saying "thank you" over and over. And "yes it is hard" and all the phrases we so carefully construct so we don't burst into tears in odd places.

*. It just is.

But there is joy amongst the grief, and happiness and laughter in life as well. Like youngest boy joining Boy Scouts. Like puppies who try to climb in your lap. And they weigh about 59 pounds each. Friends who call and shore you up to get through the day. Far away friends who send you emails that make you sob, but in a good way, because they offer such deep comfort.  Things to do, a family to care for, a God who is in all of this with me.

A quote

This quote has been floating around my head today:

"With my mother's death all settled happiness . . . disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis."  CS Lewis

My mother

My mother passed away today.
It doesn't suck any less to lose the second parent.
The waves of grief consist of wanting to puke, not being able to breathe, tears, laughter, rinse, repeat.
She lived a good life, full of love and laughter.

This and that

1. There is something blooming outside that is stinky in a cloying, overwhelming sort of way
2. I've been to Atlanta this week, with a mess of 5th graders, and I didn't get to see one of my dearest friends. THAT is a bummer. 
3. I do not enjoy kids who have an attitude of learned helplessness. I just don't.
4. I am tired from that trip, but it was good overall. 
5. Still trying to make a final decision regarding a part time job at church. We find out tomorrow if DH's job is going to stay at one level or be reduced. That may be a factor.
6. I've felt for awhile like I am a tumbleweed, just rolling around in life, trying to stay caught up with the immediate but not paying enough attention to the details. It's been a busy year. 
7. A year ago we were in France. I think. 
8. Axe has improved. But it still is very....um, STRONG. 
9. Youngest goes to the dentist tomorrow....yikes! 

Momentum

It is a beautiful day here, so I'm taking advantage and throwing open the windows and cleaning.
So far I have vacuumed up an entire dog worth of dog hair.
Trying not to lose momentum. As long as I don't sit down, I think i'm fine. This is not a "make it through the week" cleaning, this is clean out and clean up. I even vacuumed the couch :)
And cleaned out a junk drawer. Amazing, no?


And edited to add that my husband does not think much of listening to opera while cleaning. So he's shut the door to the den and promptly fell asleep. I think he's lost his momentum.

Expressions

I heard a great expression today - "Jealous for you". It was in reference to a friend of mine who is one of the pastors at my church. Today she found out she got a good appointment - in the UMC the ministers are appointed to churches, which is sometimes a good thing, sometimes a God thing, and sometimes a bad thing. THis one is a good + God thing, we think. Although all she could say was 'Big church, happy about it, have to sell my house to move there". We'll know more in May.
Anyway one of her other pastor friends warned her that some of the women in the district are going to be jealous. My VBS co director said "We'll assume they aren't going to be jealous of you, but jealous for you - they're happy for your good assignment and realize what a good thing it is".
I liked that phrase. ALthough I'm fairly certain the former will be in existence as well.

I use phrases all the time. I had a friend once who said she was going to write them all down in a book. Of course, as I'm writing this, I can't think of a single one. Oh Good Gravy! (wait, there's one!)

Do you have a favorite expression? If I think of more, I'll add mine.

Decisions are tricky

I have a few decisions to make soon.
Some involve deciding to do or not do something
The other involves choosing between two choices.
First up? Should I apply for a part time job at my church, in addition to the part time job I currently have and enjoy?
Second? Invited to participate in a leadership summit for the UMC worldwide - one
day thing- everyone meeting at the same time across the world to talk aobut, pray and discuss the church.
Same day as field trip for oldest to see a play that he wondered if I wanted to chaperone.

So I have to decide. Meanwhile, I've decided I really like the weight watchers chocolate covered raspberry bars. That was easy. :)

The positive

What do I like about Mothering and what do I do well?
I love seeing them grow and change. I love the fact that the older two can now open jars for me or reach the top shelf. I love seeing their sense of humor, their friendships, their lives open up and take directions mine never did. Sometimes that is bittersweet. They have opportunities different than mine, but I wish they could have some of mine as well - some of the simpler, less restrictive ones. Like being able to go talk to your teachers before school.
I love when they text me. Or write me little comments on the church bulletin.
I love how they humble me - that again and again I am reminded that they are not me, this is not my childhood, and they get to make their own mistakes.
I love to play games with them, the kind that don't involve a tv or computer. Although I am always amazed at how much better they are with my iphone games. sigh.
I truly *like* my kids. I think that shows in their willingness to share with me, that even the 16 year old still says "Love you mom" in public.
When they were younger, I really liked doing messy projects with them. Not everyone does, but I loved the playdoh and the paints and the crayons. The science experiments and the art projects.
I have found, lately, I am seeing a need to reconnect a little bit. We are all so busy, and the computer and tv and video games are such a draw. But I can't give in to that, I need to be purposeful in my connections.
They drive me batty occasionally, but I think any mother who says "I have perfect kids, we are the perfect family" is delusional or psychotic. We argue, I occasionally yell, we mope, we fuss, but we always come back together. We tell the boys when they fight, look, you can fight, but remember, no one else knows you as well as your brothers. Stick together.
I hope they remember that as they get older. That you must stick together.
I have my flaws, and I have a temper. But showing them that, and showing them how to argue fairly, is not a bad thing I think. I don't want to be seen as perfect, just as someone who loved them perfections, imperfections, and all.
They look quite a bit alike. And they all share some basic character traits. But their personalities and actions are each unique. Some days one child may be closer to me than another. The youngest is still in a different stage of life, the middle is in the throes of early teenagerdom, and the oldest is trying to find his way. I don't love any of them more than the other. Some days I enjoy one more than the other, some hours even. But it all evens out in the end. Some days they like Dad more than me :)
There is no "golden child" in this family. Each child is allowed their differences and loved for them. Some of the differences we wish were different :) but all in all , they are wonderful kids. THis mothering gig? Hard as all get out, but wonderful. I cannot imagine my life without my kids.
ALthough I would like to imagine that someone else in this house can hear the dogs needing in and out, and understanding that the laundry fairy is not going to come!

The blogging world

I'm not a big fish in the blogging world. Heck, I'm not even a minnow, and I like it that way. But I do have several blogs I read faithfully, and the thing is, many of them are going through rough times. Divorce, child issues, just life in general. One has seemingly stopped blogging, which makes me sad, as her perspective and voice were different than many others out there. Some are raising the second round of kids AND dealing with health issues. I didn't read blogs for a few days and came on to find one of my favorite bloggers is getting a divorce. Hopefully all will work out for her and her family. But I don't really "know" her so...no details.
I suffer from incurable nosey-ness. But unless I know the person in real life, so to speak, I try not to ask for too many details. Just because a person chooses to blog doesn't mean they have to blog about their whole lives, and it doesn't give me the right to pry.

I like blogs that are *real*, that share the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. I enjoy blogs that make me think, and ones that make me laugh. I don't enjoy reading blogs that are entirely focused on one thing. I like variety :)
What makes a blog read-able for you? What makes you return?

totally silly but totally fun

You were born during a Waning Gibbous moon

- what it says about you -


You like to question things and have issues settled before going to work on a problem. You appreciate art, elegant forms, and efficient designs. You seek deeper meanings in things that you see and want your actions to make the world a better place.

What phase was the moon at on your birthday? Find out at Spacefem.com

Why?

Why, exactly, does Tricare need a twitter account?
The Facebook page is bad enough. But twitter? Really? You couldn't spend that money on a slightly better phone system?

It's raining, it's pouring

It's rained all weekend. Not all the time, and not heavy, although it rained hard enough last night to wake me up. It is raining again this morning. Those grey rainy days make it hard to stay motivated.
Friday, oldest kid took new gf to dinner (Ihop) and the movies. I had gotten a Living S. deal on two tickets for 9 bucks, so!!! I drove to dinner (dropped off, then went shopping) and then picked them up and took them to the movie theater. Den picked them up, because I really hate driving at night.
Last night he (oldest kid) had people over for movies, video games, etc. Turned out to be all girls, but that was okay, they had a good time. All NJROTC kids. I took the younger two (I used to call them the 'littles' but since one of them is taller than I am..) to Ihop and then we went and saw Gnomeo and Juliet. It was a cute, funny movie. Not an "UP" or Ice Age, but cute, funny, and lots of little Shakespeare "hints' in the movie. All three of us enjoyed it.
The 'party' broke up about midnight. I am TIRED today. But I have to go to Sunday School to fill in.
Today's exciting agenda includes.....
Oldest working on Poe Paper
Middle child cleaning out backpack
Youngest child finishing cleaning his room. His closet is a scawy place.
Grocery shopping
Laundry
Keeping dogs from going stir crazy
Finding Tax papers

On a happy note? FINALLY found my Christmas Card address book. Seriously considering sending out Easter cards instead!

How do you?

How do you .....
Find a good place for two rather large dog crates?
Help a 15 yo realize he needs more than just school to get into college?
Help him understand that even though he doesn't want to do an activity, it's worth it?
Balance a need for what you want to do with what you HAVE to do?
Contact the laundry fairy? Because that little wench has been AWOL for FAR too long.

Do your children have friends who just make your head *hurt*?  One of mine has one who is really, a nice kid, fine parents, never *bad*...just sometimes makes my head hurt with the constant running commentary on how he has read that book, been to that place, and so on.

I am having a serious lack of motivation this afternoon. Had a busy morning, but seem to have lost the momentum. All I'd really like to do is curl up with a good book.
Instead, there is a heck of a messy house to clean up, tween ministry to run, week to plan, and class to study/write paper on.

However, I did make some rockin' roasted sweet potatoes and apples last night. And since they weren't coated in marshmellows, I didn't have to share them at all!!!

For a mission trip, my church is doing a month long marathon. All you have to do is walk a mile a day! How fun is that! I signed up, hoping it will kick my lazy tuckus off the couch. AND I remembered to drive the route I walk to make sure it was a mile. And it is a mile and a half, which makes me very happy.

And I'd better include a puppy picture. For the 2.5 hours they were clean. Now they are filthy. Again.

Oh wait, they are filthy in these pictures too. Oh I give up. White dogs + outside = dirty dogs

A quiet time

A very nice birthday - I actually liked working because I often spend a large part of my birthday feeling vaguely discontented.
So it was a nice day, except for the hour we couldn't find middle child. He had missed the bus and even after being told we would come and get him, panicked when the office staff left so tried to walk home. Got lost, ended up at the Charter Communications building and they called and DH went and got him.
All's well that ends well.
Cake and wine for dinner. The family had a more traditional meal, but I really only wanted a glass of wine and cake. So that's what I had. 

Also, took the dogs for a long walk this morning, and while it was nice outside, it is still kinda CHILLY out there. 

Tomorrow is a laundry-clean the house-clean the dogs- get lots done kinda day. I hope it turns out that way.